Why Would You Lose Hope?
I have trouble understanding people losing hope in the current adoption situation.
As I said in a previous post, the current situation is definitely uncertain and tenuous and stressful and emotional. But, it is not a time to lose hope. It is a time to push on and work to make progress. I have been in an extremely similar situation, though I do not care to go into detail, I truly know what it feels like. Let’s walk down a path, maybe a few paths and see how this is no reason to lose hope.
The year is 2002, similar ethical/legal issues in Viet Nam adoptions have surfaced, but they are arguably much more serious than they are now, in 2008. Adoptions end abruptly. Hope is lost - or is it? For some, yes…but not for all. Some people wait for 3 years while their child-to-be is living in an orphanage or foster care…and, finally adoptions from Viet Nam begin again. Those parents who never lost hope are finally united with their children, after three VERY long, emotional, stressful years. Their children are not the babies that were referred, but they are every bit still their children. I know three of these families to varying degrees. They had much reason to lose hope, but never did, and now they are united families. Thankfully they did not lose hope.
It’s the 1940s - Europe is entrenched in war, as is the US. You’ve been rounded up and shipped in a train car to a “death camp”. You’ve seen your family slaughtered in front of you. You are made to dig the graves of your friends, neighbors, even your own child. How on earth is there any hope? Why continue on? What’s the point? I don’t know, I honestly do not know…but, thousands did know, somehow. They hoped for a rescue, for their lives, for freedom again. It came. Thankfully they did not lose hope.
Let’s jump back to today. You live in the Sudan, you’re not the “right” ethnic group. The government begins slaughtering everyone like you. Brutally raping women and girls, even infants. Brutally killing whole families as the world simply looks on in disgust, but not enough disgust to actually do anything about it. If ever there was a time to lose hope, to give up, to end it now before someone else ends it for you in a brutal way, now must be that time. Right? No, not for hundreds of thousands of children, women, and men…they go on in horrible conditions, starving, running in fear of their lives because they have some glimmer of hope left that they can survive and things will change and they can live their lives in peace again.
As I also said in my previous post, I know that when you are the one going through it, and you have that referral picture and you get that form letter that says things are stalled…it feels like the world is falling down around you. But, you cannot lose hope - you owe it not just to yourself, but even more so to your child-to-be.
This doesn’t mean you just sit back and be quiet. I have been an activist in many areas for years - I know the importance and the power of working to change a situation or policy you disagree with. It is important to stand up and speak out for what you feel is wrong, and to work on changing that. I have done that myself. I have contacted the people I feel can make a difference in the current situation. Constructive action is vital and I encourage that. Whether that is writing letters or circulating a petition or contacting officials - but, it does not do good to have frivolous arguments where people simply look to find the phrase you used and twist it in an attempt to demonize. It doesn’t help anyone, it simply inflames the situation and indeed makes it much harder to come to a real solution.
I do not know anything that others don’t know…but, I am confident that a resolution will be reached in the “blocked” investigations - blocked is not really the right term - it is a much more nuanced situation - the provinces where these few institutions where investigations are stalled are not closed or blocked. If nearly all the NOIDs could be overturned, certainly this can be overcome. And, let’s not forget to look at the positive things going on. Families are still receiving referrals, still receiving I-600 approvals, still traveling to Viet Nam. There is no reason to give up.
April 5th, 2008 at 9:32 AM
Wonderful post, Jonathan. I completely agree with you–whether or not it is because I have been through a similar situation or maybe my faith and hope have been renewed, I don’t know. I’m not giving up and I’m not stressing over each little bump in the road. I know I have a son and it is my responsibility to stay strong for him. What kind of parent would I be if I lose my mind over every thing that happens? I would be a very stressed parent and that creates stress on kids. I don’t want that for either one of us!
April 5th, 2008 at 9:48 AM
I have a slightly different spin…it isn’t that I’m losing hope, I’m just not getting any younger.
The realist in me is telling me that worst-case scenario is it may take a few years, as it did the last time around, to work through the new round of issues. A few years then puts me at mid-40s. I’m riding the wave, but honestly it’s getting harder (mentally/emotionally). And for me, it can only be Vietnam…
April 7th, 2008 at 8:56 AM
Another title for this post could be ‘putting things in perspective’ as I believe we all lose perspective at times; particularly in those parts of the globe where instant gratification is sought and expected. Adoption remains a privilege more than a right in my humble opinion. I have tremendous compassion for any PAP waiting to collect their child in Vietnam, however even greater concern for the children waiting. In the end it should be as much about finding them families as it is about those of us wanting to be parents. As hard as it is to swallow, its always important to remember that we dont control everything in this life and that we will not always get what we want (as the Stones say so eloquently). PAPs should be rewarded for their efforts in trying to create families and for dealing with the uncertainty inherent in the adoption process.
April 8th, 2008 at 1:21 AM
Wonderful message. You must keep the faith. Our thoughts and prayers are with you in your process.
Jonathan reply on April 11th, 2008:
Thank you. I hope things progress in the right direction with your adoption!